Saturday, June 6, 2009

FINALLY! E3 has come BACK! to los angeleeeeess.

It's time to uncover why the posts have been light, because we here at The Vice Presidential Action Ranger headquarters have been working on this E3 post, though it has been hard to put together since we moved to our new offices in Micronesia. So here we go.

The Awesome Stuff:

We'll start off easy. The Nintendo DS. First is A Witch's Tale by NIS America. What is being called The Nightmare before Christmas meets Candyland puzzle game which from the screenshots looks pretty badass. The DS we feel is made for puzzle games. Games you could get into while waiting for whatever and still accomplish something while playing for 10 minutes. Being as some of our members are of a goth influence, they are quite excited about this.

Next for the DS is The Legendary Starfy. At first it wasnt going to be ported as it was seen as TOO japanese. But the fervor to bring it over was just too much to ignore. This will be THE japanese crazy mindfuck game of the season, and being as some of us are of the Japanime influence, this is marked on alot of calendars as well.

Next is one of the most anticipated. The Ghostbusters. Dan Aykroyd himself states this game is Ghostbusters 3 so naturally alot of people are shitting over this AND equally wanting to shove a knife through the skull of Sony. Why? Well they paid Atari, (the publishers of the game) an assload of money to release the PS3 version first, and delay the 360 and Wii versions. Once again Sony reminds us why we hate their lame asses. The best thing about this is that instead of uglying down the graphics for the Wii version, they just redid them entirely with a cartoon feel, which looks pretty sweet. Plus the idea of using the Wii controller like a proton pack wand is too geektastic for words.

Now usually the PSP is lame. It has very few games on it worth playing but THIS is one to look forward to. Lunar: Silver Star Harmony is a sequel of sorts to Lunar Silver Star Story, one of the greatest RPG's to be ported to the original Playstation from Japan. Plus with XSEED working on this, the same company that brought us Shadow Hearts and No More Heroes, it should be something worth dusting off your PSP for.

Next is Wolfenstein, due out in August, which seems to be a remake of all the previous Wolfensteins, except taking advantage of the graphics of today. This one speaks for itself. Wolfenstein is an amazing series, and who doesnt like killing nazi's, let alone zombie ones?

NEXT is Fragile for the Wii. An RPG from our friends at XSEED. This game will be out Winter of this year and was already released in Japan in January and is making them go nuts. It's success there is the only reason its being released here and who doesnt love a sure thing?? XD

Up next is Quantum, also called Quantum Theory, one of the few PS3 exclusives you should be excited about. This game is being called a fanstasy gears of war, which is pretty good being as gears of war was fun, and is unique, as previously traveled maps will constantly be changing, caused by the "living tower" the building youll fight your way through. This is due out early 2010.

FINALLY. A legitimate 3D Castlevania game where you play a FUCKING BELMONT. Not a fighting game, not a DS side-scroller, and not a blocky ps2 hack job. To see Castle Dracula with todays gaming tech is going to beee sooooo fuggginn cooooo. Belmonts killing vampires. THATS HOW YOU DO IT BABY! *pumps crotch wildly*

*cough* is a fun little game from famed Level-5 developer called Ninokuni, (The Another World). Now your saying, "Hey VPAR, another RPG? Come aaaaan!" To wit we reply, But this one is special, quite special indeed as it is the FIRST game to also be developed by Studio Ghibli. The movie production house from God himself Hayao Miyazaki, who brought us such films as Spirited Away and Howls Moving Castle and on and on, the mans a genius!

and last in this section is the one even u.s. senators are waiting for. Batman: Arkham Asylum. The game that is "supposed" to "reboot" the Batman video game franchise, as the last ooooh, saaay all of them, have been complete shit. The premise of this paticular batman game is simple, the inmates take over AA and you as Batman must get in there and fight pretty much your entire rogues gallery. LUCKILY from screens and gameplay footage and character designs and everything else were allowed to see, this is seriously going to be so goddamn sweet we may need insulen. Luckily one V.P.A.R. member is fully stocked.

That does it for what was sweet?! super sweet! at E3, now for...

The Shitty Stuff:

DJ Hero - for some time this was listed under the Awesome stuff, BUT after getting a taste of the tracks being released with it, it is going to be pretty fucking lame. Now we here at the V.P.A.R. arent ones to stereotype, BUT usually DJ's play ELECTRONIC music. Which in the raver/dance club world, is an entirely different slew of artists. NONE of which are Gwen Stefani, Nirvana, or FUCKING MARVIN GAYE! Is the point of this game to pretend to be an actual DJ? Theyd make you think so as they hired ACTUAL DJ's to work on it, DJ's who put out their own music, none of which is in the game. OR is the point to pretend to be just any old DJ? Because given the track listing, it should be called, "Wedding DJ Hero" or "Bar Mitzvah DJ Hero" or "Radio DJ Hero". At least with Guitar Hero you "played" rock music and pretended to be a rock star, but this games track listing will only let you pretend to be the DJ at some girls sweet 16 party.

Project Natal - First off, this has nothing to do with baby care. Its pronounced like fatale'. And it is the full body, no controller needed, 3 dimensional camera system put out by XBOX, and it comes with such endorsements as Steven Spielberg! So why would something so seemily futuristic and cool be in the shitty section? Because its no where near roll out. We'll be seeing this at E3 for the next 6 years. One of the engineers working on it was quoted as saying he doesnt even know how to mass produce tech like this for the consumer market. So boo to you Microsoft for just tryin to rattle Nintendos cage, but all the while getting us excited over nothing. And SPEAKING of...

Nintendo - Bwaaaaa?! Nintendo ANYTHING in the shitty section, let alone the company as a whole? Can it be possible?? It is, is...*sigh* where to begin...-_-...
-How about the Wii Fit 2, which isnt only lame but is pretty close after the release of Wii Fit 1
-Or the WiimotionPlus, which is supposed to make your wiimote work better, but for some reason wasnt included in the original wiimote even though it was first announced soon after the wii itself.
-Or the vitality sensor. A device that is so fucking laughable as it is obviously tailored for the market of wii gamers that might actually DIE while using the Wii. Now im not saying the elderly shouldnt get their own wii shit, but dont play it off like it was for everyone Nintendo. Were not that stupid.
-Or the "NEW" new super mario brothers. A remake of a remake of the original game. In this remake you play the new super mario brothers but NOW with up to four people, though for some reason will NOT have online support. (sigh) Its bad enough they have yet to remake super mario bros 2 in the same fashion, but now they remake a remake and while doing so once again, like they did in the gamecube days, seem to think they can snuff online play and get away with it! GAH!!
-Or the fact that there was STILL no announcement of any new Kid Icarus game or any new Kirby game even though the Kirby game has been in the works since the gamecube days.

Sadly the new metroid game from team ninja and the Super Mario Galaxy 2 werent enough to save them from the onslaught of shit they threw at us. -_-

So there it is. E3 as a whole. Read up, mark your calendars, and do it with a pencil, because video game dates change more often than underwear.

Editors Note: The games listed in the awesome stuff section were picked due to their release date being probable BEFORE the next E3, as others after would be covered in next years recap.

Here are some games that ARE coming out before then but not covered.

Brutal Legend - Its got Jack Black so its covered in every stag mag out there. Pick up Maxim or FHM theyll both have a 10 page spread.
FF13 - This game has been covered ad nauseum since 06 and were tried of talking about it.
FF14- Theres no way this is coming out in 2010. bet you.
Wet- Even though Tarantino will make a movie out of it, not that exciting.
Halo: ODST - eh
All Sports games - sports games suck


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