The VPAR Civil War

This post has little to do with the news of the day but more so to do with the issues we face internally here due to what I consider to be a bane to the existence of humanity itself; Apple. Now I as current President of The V.P.A.R. used to work for the company and so every time they come out with a new product, I'm reminded of those days when we would spend countless hours trained on how we were the best and everything else was shit. That's the Apple model. If its not Apple, its not worth wiping your ass with. Pretty egotistical but that's how they like it. But I digress.

Some of our Action Rangers are fervent Apple supporters, while others are vehement Apple detractors. This argument has raged since our group was founded and never more so has the argument gotten so heated as when the iPad debuted. Now as current president I have pulled rank and have posted in the past on how Apple, especially the iPad, suck.

Despite the post, I choose not to get into arguments with fellow Action Rangers on the topic because as Ive told them, they treat Apple like a religion. When they ask to clarify I make this point, a point I have made ad nauseum, including just recently in relation to this story.

“Religion is simply defined as having a strong belief or faith in something that can not be proven. Faith is described as belief in something that normal reason would stand against. Apple cultists buy apple products when normal reason and fact tell them that there are better, less expensive, and less imposing products available. So it is absolutely right in stating that Apple super fans are religious.”

Despite this argument, my fellow VPAR, who are apple-ites, disagree. Well here for my own pleasure, thanks to the rank I hold, are some more bits of evidence that Apple-ites are infact, cultists. It's nothing big, nothing spectacular, just some back and forth on a news item about how Steve Jobs emailed Gawker writer Ryan Tate and the two got into it over the future of technology.

Myself:

“the iPad is just a gimmicky piece of junk that is nothing more than another way for you to buy stuff from itunes and the apps store. It doesn't have the functionality or power of a laptop, or the mobility of a 4G phone. It's literally in a class by itself because its a class that doesn't need to exist. There's a reason why similar tablets have been getting canceled left and right. The only thing it revolutionizes is a new way for you to be fooled into buying more stuff from Apple and deluded into thinking your on the cusp of technology. Piece. Of. Junk.”

Reply from cultist 1:

“Name a book reader that comes close.”

My response:

“Your argument is based on the idea that book readers are something wanted, akin to that of laptops and high end cell phones. They absolutely are not. Phone and laptop technology moves forward regardless. Book readers are a choice. One many people wouldn't ever want to make at all because there wasn't really anything wrong with the design of the book. Its not like millions of americans were dying under the weight of their vast libraries. Try again.”

Reply from cultist 2:

“Gee...then don't buy one. But the people who have bought one don't really give a s.hite what you think.”

Ooooh, smarmy little fucker isn't he? My reply to Apple-ite 2:

“Of course they don't care. Obviously anyone who buys one is either not smart enough to know they've been had, or are apple cultists who don't have the ability to see reason. My problem is with Steve Jobs and how his push forward is pointless, consumerist garbage. He is literally making technology, the future, and the world, worse. But your a fan his and his junk so like you said, you wont care because like I said, your not too smart and can't see reason.”

Lets see what happens now when my fellow Rangers read this absolutely benign, self serving, inconsequential, nerdgasm of a post. In conclusion, I get it. Apple products are like childrens toys. Bright and shiny and sleek and futurist looking. They are designed that way. Designed to feed your base instincts for something "better", even if it only LOOKS better. If I had money to waste I might pick up a macbook, or a G5. But most people don't. In the end my point is this. To all of the die hard Apple cultists. It's a fucking handheld store. Get over it, and yourself, because it's not the future.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled posts. Hazza!